That crab rangoon really would’ve tied my lunch together.

A few weeks into this year at my new school, I sadly found my leftover Chinese missing the best part- delicious, juicy, fucking crab rangoon. That morning I had dropped off my lunch bag in the fridge in one of our special education classrooms. Six paraeducators occupy the classroom throughout the day. Once I noticed the missing crab rangoon, I told the lead teacher about it and told her to ask around about the crab rangoon.

A few hours later, I returned to my office to find a handwritten sticky note on my desk- it read Big Huge Sorry (I ate your lunch). After a brief laugh, I showed the teacher note and she relayed to the story to me.

One of the paraeducators mistakenly ate my crab rangoon. She mistakenly opened my lunch bag, thinking that my Target grocery bag looked very similar to her purple lunch sack. Because her husband packs her lunch each night, she had no idea what was in the lunch bag. Here’s where my first (or fifth) question popped up: if you KNOW you didn’t eat Chinese food the previous night, how the fuck are you not surprised to see four pieces of crab rangoon in your bag? I understand that her husband packs her lunch, so she may be surprised to see her lunch each day, but holy shit, crab rangoon is not a common lunch item!
So, I finally arrive to the title of this stupid fucking story…

Several months passed since a para mistakenly ate four crab rangoons from my lunch bag. One day I brought an avocado to school so that I could eat toast with avocado and black pepper. Shit, it’s delicious! I ended not eating the avocado, so I sort of halfway hid it behind a small appliance in the teachers’ lounge. I didn’t leave it on the counter with a fucking note next to it reading Free to any Hungry, Greedy Fuck. Naturally, I assumed the avocado would remain in its hiding place until the next morning.

Shit, I was wrong! Someone took the avocado. Seriously. About 30 minutes later, I walked into a different special education room and noticed a new substitute paraeducator sitting at a large, circular table with her laptop, purse, cell phone and…..a motherfucking avocado. I had met the new para once before, but forgot her name.

Now, reader, how many times have you seen a coworker bring an entire, whole avocado to work? I’m not talking about fucking guacamole and chips or pita bread. An actual avocado! In 15 years of teaching I’ve never seen someone else bring a whole avocado to school with a large ass knife and prepare it there.  This just cannot be a coincidence.

Standing adjacent to the table, I said to the para, “That’s a nice looking avocado.”

Without looking up at me, she said something like “yeah, thanks” or whatever.

“I left an avocado in the teachers’ lounge, yesterday, kinda behind the microwave,” I said. “I came back this morning to eat it with my toast and it’s gone. That avocado looks familiar.”

Now, I know that’s a stupid fucking thing to say, because no one can pull an avocado from an avocado line-up. I was being playful….just a little bit.

Inside my head, I was screaming, “Motherfucker, you know you took my fucking avocado! Just admit it!”

It’s not like the avocado was sitting in a bag accompanied by her breakfast or snacks. It was just a random, fucking avocado sitting on the table.

She replied, “You can have it if you want it.”

Red flag! Who offers something to someone if you know that you DID NOT take it! That chick is busted and is feeling guilty! If it’s her avocado, she may have said something like “get your own fucking avocado” or, better yet, said nothing at all if it’s truly her avocado.

I said no thank you and left the room letting her know that I’d eat plain toast…minus avocado.

Ok, so flash forward about three) weeks. This is almost over, I promise.

I’m talking to two of the paras, Steve and Perry. I refer to Perry as “Perry the Para.” Clever as shit, right! Side note- Perry the Para is a really cool dude, but he’s full of the woo! Just last week Perry the Para gave me a couple BBQ crickets…tasty lil shits! 

I’m telling Steve and Perry the Para about the avocado and reminding them about the crab rangoon story. Months later, that story still survives! (I’ll update this story with the actual sticky note once I find it in my desk) Perry the Para says, “You know who she is, don’t you?” He’s referring to the substitute paraeducator whom I’ve indirectly accused of stealing my avocado. I knew her name, but didn’t know who she was.

The avocado thief is the daughter of the crab rangoon thief.

Fuckin’ eh, it all suddenly made sense! The mother and daughter are both paraeducators at my school. Shit, I never made the connection.

Can’t be a coincidence. You decide for yourself.